Why didn’t he tell anyone?
I’ve heard the question countless times. It’s a question I asked myself for years. When I explain that men take an average of about 20 years or more to disclose sexual abuse (if they ever disclose it at all) someone almost always asks, “why?”
There are many possible answers. Some kids a threatened overtly. Other times the threats are merely implied. Some are afraid that nobody will believe them. Many are made to feel as if the abuse was their fault. Grooming is a process whereby perpetrators gain the trust of their victims and often the victim’s family as well. One of the most insidious aspects of the process is the way it confuses the victim. Often, kids struggle to define what was done to them. They are left doubting their own understanding of the event and fearing that they are somehow to blame.
Court records were recently released that detail the allegations against former Speaker of The House, Dennis Hastert. At the center of the case is a man currently referred to only as Individual A. In the report, Individual A states that once he became aware that Hastert’s touching was inappropriate he leapt off of the bed, but he also explains that he was so embarrassed and confused that he immediately apologized to Hastert.
How horrible is that? This poor kid, only 14 years old, felt like HE had to apologize. Why do you suppose, he felt the need to apologize when he was the one who had been violated? Because he didn’t fully understand what had just been done to him. He knew the factual details. He knew he had been touched. His uncertainty was about his reaction. In that moment, that 14 year old boy was unsure of his ability to judge the actions of his trusted coach. Can you blame him? After all Hastert would go on to convince millions adults that he was a fine upstanding leader of his community. Of course the kid was confused. Almost anyone would have been. That confusion is the seed that grows into a secret; a secret that all too often causes decades of misery and many times leads to an early death.
For the vast majority of us, our parents never spoke to us about sexual abuse. Neither did our teachers, doctors, pastors or coaches. They never told us what sexual abuse is; how to protect ourselves or what to do if someone did molest us. I’m not trying to blame the adults in our lives. The fact is most of them never knew they were supposed to talk to us about this stuff. We live in very different times. Stories like this, which highlight the need to talk to our kids, are all around us every day.
We are all Individual A because no one ever taught us how to confidently identify sexual abuse or what to do about it. Together, let’s arm the next generation with the knowledge they need and the confidence to use that knowledge when they need it.